A bad habit I built over the years was the disregarding of my mental health needs. Oh I knew my mind was need of an overhaul. My brain was that check engine light that always seemed to come on at inopportuned times. Always when I was too busy to address it or too broke to take it to the mechanic for analysis.

I’d put it off or drink it off. Which was the same thing, one made it easier to bear than the other. Staying busy is a great way to procrastinate on your dissolving mental health. I could go on autopilot for weeks at a time. Sometimes a larger issue would trump the others I had so I’d get a fresh start on a new anxiety. And then toss the others wayside to come back around on that perpetual revolution of snakes that would enter my mind.

My brain is never quiet. Chances are while we are conversing I’m currently having 14 conversations with myself about 28 different things. I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “please repeat that one more time. I can hear you now.”

I have become permanently overstimulated. Even without the 2974 cups of coffee (I don’t drink quite as much as I advertise, hyperbole sells tickets). Large gatherings are a real hassle for me. The masses of sounds, people, smells, clutter, clatter, chatter, elbows to elbows, feeling people breathing all over me, my ears ring and I feel suffocated. Sometimes I’ll go to the restroom just to give myself 20 seconds of stay the fuck away from me. Going out to eat with friends, I’m looking at the date and time to see how busy that restaurant will be at that time. If it just opened? Don’t call me for 6 months. I’m not dealing with that crowd noise. When people ask me why I will drive for 3 hours and back in 24 hours to camp, my truck is quiet, my campsite is quiet. It’s my reset button. Nature, solitude sooths me. It brings me back down. Unless it’s a horny whippoorwill perched on my roof rack at 3am crooning “wyd?” to his female friend 2 miles away. I also choose Mondays to do this. I can no longer deal with gridlock traffic. I don’t mean that I dislike it or it’s just not convenient. I literally can’t handle it anymore. I’ve been on the beginning leg of some trips that may take 8 hours to reach my destination and I’ll pull off even if it’s two hours in to find an exit for me to walk around my truck for a minute because my brain is screaming and wants to go back home. Sometimes I’ll have to call my wife to talk me out of it. She always does.

Lately I’ve been writing down things that help my head. Or the opposite which I guess is relatively the same. “Do this. It helps.” Don’t do this. It doesn’t”

Writing helps. It actually helps quite a bit. I don’t have any backwash left when I’m done writing for the day. I get shit off my mind. Sometimes to the chagrin of others. I highly recommend journaling. Recording your life by hand.

Walking is fantastic but I’ve slacked only because winter isn’t my jam anymore. Working out helps. It always has. I reminded myself last month that my hiking took a tumble but at the same time I used hiking to tire the demons when they were dealing the cards. It’s not as necessary anymore. It’s actually a good thing.

I’m hyper aware of my social media algorithms. It’s an echo chamber for what you love and what you hate. What a terrible balance. I benefited from it last week however in an go around your ass to get to your elbow way but I’m thankful I did.

Went online for record player speakers. Every year after chadcuterie beats my ass I treat myself to a small purchase for myself. A completely selfish purchase. Not a new dishwasher, lawnmower or roof for my house. Something.. fun I guess you’d say. One year it was my camping trailer, one year a bus to make into an RV, one year I bought my wife some sexy tires for her wrangler. This year it’ll probably go back into work. Give some, take some, invest some. Back to the speakers, I wanted to good quality speakers for my record player that was collecting dust on our shelves. Anyone familiar with ad algorithms knows if you are shopping for something eventually you will be pummeled with advertisements of those consumers items along with brands and products that align with your expectations. Its smart I get it. My ads were full of vintage stereo cabinets (I love mid century), Bluetooth speakers, record players, equalizers and headphones. I had no interest in headphones but I’m nosey and looked some up and was completely blown away by how expensive they’ve become. My last pair of headphones accompanied my discman purchase in the 90’s. I currently have beats earbuds. They’re ok. Sound great and pack a punch for sound but my ears are weird. They spit those fuckers out all the time. I spend a good portion of my time looking for one that will pop out of my ear and roll like a severed head for a solid quarter mile. They do what they are supposed to do. They put the music in my head.

I chatted with my wife about the cost of headphones and she said “you outta try them out. I have friends that swear by them.” Technology has changed the game in headphones. Technology passed me by years ago.

We drove to Best Buy and I dubiously checked out three different brands and it doesnt matter which ones I’m not trying to do a consumer comparison I’d say they were all similar enough to be happy with any of the three. The ones I chose were mostly due to the help of the Sony rep that just happened to be there at the time. I tried them on and loved the clarity. I thought these would be great on days when I wanted to play some vinyl and not torture my family to hear Sturgill for 3 hours so I said fuck it. I got em. A little buyers remorse as per the norm but I love my music. A solid investment regardless.

Noise cancellation was an obtuse term for me. I don’t research technology. Listen I’m lazy about certain things. I’m 52. Everyday tech steps over me to please the younger folk. I’m ok with that. I have a 14 year old to keep me abreast of winds of change. Sometimes it may be a magazine I picked up at Barnes and Noble to apprise me of current events . I thought all headphones were noise canceling. That’s what the fuck they do. They cancel the outside noise so you can hear the inside noise. My earbuds did it. Or I thought so..

I didn’t wear the headphones long enough at Best Buy to experience the full experience. I got home, took them out because I’m that kid that has to play with his new toy as soon as he gets home. If you aren’t this person then chances are you are a psychopath. I downloaded the appropriate apps, set up my headphone equalizer and played Van Halen’s first album. About 45 seconds in my head “thank you”

Noise cancellation kicked in. I was no longer hearing the music I was floating in it. There was nothing else. Just the music. You ever see those videos where kids get their first hearing aid and hear their mother’s voice for the first time? Wanna see me cry? Play one of those in front of me. It wasn’t just the music playing, the choice of album or the high definition and clarity. It was what I couldn’t hear that floored me.

My wife gets front row seats to my quirks, anger issues, mental relapses and rants. She’s there when I’m pacing through the house angrily, unable to be still, distracted by the smallest thing or thinking of something that angered me 3 days ago. If I’m sitting still in my house, on my sofa you may see me reading a book. I may looked completely enthralled and in my one little world. What’s usually going through my head is I’m reading the same page 4 times. The first couple of tries our refrigerator dropped some ice cubes in the bin, our old dog is snoring or her nails are clicking on the floor. Our kid is smacking her cereal, neighbors across the street are working on their roof, road construction is a quarter mile away and I can hear the truck’s back up signal beeping and beeping and beeping and beeping.. I’ll hear that chainsaw three streets over or maybe it’s the leaf blower. Cat purring from the other room or someone has the sniffles and for an hour all I can hear in my brain is that constant sniff. The water heater across the house in the laundry room clicks to reset the pilot light. I hear it every time.

I’m wound tight. Real tight. Its who I am. Its magnified when I’m in public. If I’m eating out I’m probably listening to the kitchen hood roar or the cheap plastic dishes getting stacked up after they were sanitized. Couldn’t tell you what was playing on the musak. Unless it’s loud and then I’d most likely leave without ordering. Noise has become pollution to me now.

The headphones took that all away. When that cancellation canceled I felt my shoulders drop and my neck loosen up. I could feel chills in the bottom of my fucking feet. My eyes went “holy shit” wide. I listened to that album non stop. Something I haven’t done without the benefit of multitasking in years. I just sat and listened. And melted.

I wore those headphones for 6 hours on day one. Alternating between telling my wife how amazing they were and just listening, sitting still. By day two there was no buyer’s remorse. In fact I would’ve paid double. If they were crushed by some random act of god tomorrow I’d run and buy the exact pair. If I didn’t have the money I’d sell something to build up my funds. My focus jumped and went into XL, hi-fi, GT, Shazam mode. My mind had peace. I can’t accurately describe to you how much that feels to me. It was like a mind controlling device. As soon as that cancellation kicks in I smile. It’s like a crown of sunrises. I make my morning coffee and put them on. Light jazz has never been my thing but now with those frequencies running through my ears untouched by distractions my mind craves it. In the middle of the day I wear them for downtime and I’ll use them at night while I’m in bed. I’m a fan person. A loud fan person. Not because I want to be. I have to be. I don’t care for the sound of the fan. I use it to drown out the other 39722 distractions in my head and ears. With the headphones on I can’t even hear the fan. No hyberole here folks. These headphones 🎧 are the ice to the cream in my head and over time much cheaper than therapy. For me at least.

If you have PTSD, ADHD or ADD get these motherfuckers. If I had the capital I’d be buying everyone one of these like that old Coke commercial. “I’d like to buy the world a 🎧… and keep them company.

That’s the real thing.